It started with Ellen DeGeneres. No, really it did. I remember being in fifth grade and seeing that cover of Time Magazine, those two words bursting off of the cover: "I'm Gay". Many people thought that that was the end of Ellen's career and well, just look at her now. She is a walking, talking million dollar bill. She has her own talk show, she's a judge on American Idol, a spokeswoman for CoverGirl, is still doing film work and is happily married to her beautiful wife Portia DeRossi, all while still being on the frontlines to promote equality. For those who think that coming out of the closet can ruin a celebrity's career, take a look at our girl Ellen. So, I've decided to share with you some celebrities who I believe are so closeted, that they're finding Christmas presents from three years ago. So, without further adieu, here they are.

1. Kelly Clarkson
Yes, you read that right, the ORIGINAL American Idol, is a lesbian. Well, she hasn't exactly admitted it yet, but good Lord, REALLY?! The angsty love songs, the never being seen in public with a member of the male species, the all my friends look like they could've been cast in The Real L Word...Not to mention that her performance with Melissa Etheridge of "Bring Me Some Water" on VH1's most recent "Divas", was the gayest thing I've seen on stage since 'Cats'. Kelly also recently joined the line-up for this Summer's anticipated return of Lilith Fair, which may I remind you, is an ALL WOMEN concert tour. Girlfriend, lesbians LOVE you and you love them, too. You know it, we ALL know it. Out with it, KClarks, America will still love you.









2. Taylor Lautner
Sorry, girls, I know he's your most recent poster boy, but America's favorite werewolf is also prettyyyy homosexual. His biggest role to date is that of a werewolf who runs around shirtless with all his shirtless friends wrestling and touching each other. Oh, I'm sorry, what? He dated Taylor Swift? Really? Oh then, I'm sorry, he must be straight. I dated boys for a time once, too, ladies, so you're gonna need something better than that. The boy just gives me a serious gay vibe every time he opens his mouth. And, well, a picture is worth a thousand words, or really just two: "I'm GAY".







3. Kristen Stewart
Keeping it in the 'Twilight' saga, let's move on to America's favorite mortal, Bella Swan, also known as Kristen Stewart. Kristen, Kristen, Kristen. Where do I even start with you, darling? This girl has the makings of 'angry dyke' written all over her and has got my gaydar beeping out of control. While in her 'Runaways' get-up, Kristen looked more comfortable than we've ever seen her, all while dressed head to toe like dykon Joan Jett. P.S. Super duper excited to see this movie and not just for the hype of the steamy kissing scene between our beloved K Stewart and Dakota Fanning. I feel like if Kristen came out of the closet, maybe she'd smile a whole lot more. And all we want is to see you happy, girlfriend! Just say the words!